Night Pacings…Putting Myself Out There…Revelatory
I am sleeping badly. My mind and body feels tired, but as soon as I lie down, my mind becomes alert, goes into overdrive and over-active. I paced the floor or I read until the early hours of the morning, then I finally fall asleep.
My norm is hyper-sensitive, anxious and quick to become annoyed. My voice trembles, not from anger, but from passion. about what I believe in. When I was younger, people thought, it was nervousness or some type of rage; my inner tensions were so great, I had debilitating migraine headaches. After intense mental, emotional and spiritual therapy, the end result is and was that I need art to be a part of my daily life, no matter what!
It is when I’m actually making art, which includes the doodling, the scribbling, random notes to myself, research, reference-taking photos and finally putting the materials together for some unknown art project, I feel like relief, normal, calm and pleasant to be around. The world then feels right for me.
When I am not making art, (either by trying to avoid it, because I’m not sure what I’m going to do next – or because I have to put that art on hold because I’m trying to care for my family and others, (at the risk of forsaking myself), I return to that state of uneasiness and depression. This state becomes even more intensified, when external things are happening, outside of my control, such as the cancer running rampant in my loved ones.
Maybe my sleeplessness has something to do with trying to stop these things from coming out in my artwork, revealing myself. I am going to have to just let it all out. Otherwise, I’ll only tear myself up inside. Maybe that’s what these revelatory ramblings are about…“entanglement“, now maybe peace and sleep can come, it’s morning.