Night Pacings…Putting Myself Out There…Revelatory

I am sleeping badly. My mind and body feels tired, but as soon as I lie down, my mind becomes alert, goes into overdrive and over-active. I paced the floor or I read until the early hours of the morning, then I finally fall asleep.

My norm is hyper-sensitive, anxious and quick to become annoyed. My voice trembles, not from anger, but from passion. about what I believe in. When I was younger, people thought, it was nervousness or some type of rage; my inner tensions were so great, I had debilitating migraine headaches. After intense mental, emotional and spiritual therapy, the end result is and was that I need art to be a part of my daily life, no matter what!

It is when I’m actually making art, which includes the doodling, the scribbling, random notes to myself, research, reference-taking photos and finally putting the materials together for some unknown art project, I feel like relief, normal, calm and pleasant to be around. The world then feels right for me.

When I am not making art, (either by trying to avoid it, because I’m not sure what I’m going to do next – or because I have to put that art on hold because I’m trying to care for my family and others, (at the risk of forsaking myself), I return to that state of uneasiness and depression. This state becomes even more intensified, when external things are happening, outside of my control, such as the cancer running rampant in my loved ones.

Maybe my sleeplessness has something to do with trying to stop these things from coming out in my artwork, revealing myself. I am going to have to just let it all out. Otherwise, I’ll only tear myself up inside. Maybe that’s what these revelatory ramblings are about…“entanglement“, now maybe peace and sleep can come, it’s morning.

9 Comments »
  1. it is time to do some art… creating will give your mind a space to release the stress and will break the worry cycle. when i get into the cycle you speak where it leaks in I intentionally let it come out – most often in pastels; then it wont come out in a piece that I want to have be very calming. it is going to come out; best give it it’s place.

    Comment by AscenderRisesAbove — December 6, 2009 @ 9:20 am

  2. Girl, girl, girl!!! OOH weeeeeeeee what is going on in your house my dear! I will be praying for you my sister. Sound very much like your soul is busy and needs release. You need to express all of this. You can’t keep in bottled in!!! It must be release. You are like a can of soda all shaken up and you need to release all that bottled up creativity. Just doodle and draw. It’s doesn’t have to be with purpose. You just need to get that energy out your body so that new energy and creativity can come to you. Sometimes you have to walk away from people who burden you with their problems and bad energy. Not that you have a bunch of those people around you. I have had to cut off a whole lot of people who only wanted to complain and moan and do nothing about their own situations. I found it kept me up all night and left me uninspired and drained. I had to care for myself and I tell you my dear friend, You ARE VERY IMPORTANT!!!! Sometimes we busy our selves with life and it can take it’s nasty toll on our express as artist. The stream get all clogged up with negative thoughts and words and the fact is that our streams need to be clear cause to many people have to drink from them. You are a talented woman and filled with much wisdom and knowledge. There is value in who you are and what you do. Rest from trouble and life’s foolishness. I’m praying for you.
    V

    Comment by vanessa newton — December 6, 2009 @ 2:35 pm

  3. I relate to this and I like the way your mind works, all the symbolism going on is like a dream . When death has been around me I dreamt of snakes winding around my headboard, then butterflies flying around. These symbols I believe are clues or wakeup calls to living fully. Scattered thinking is present right now in almost everyone I have talked to lately, is it that time of year? When others are celebrating and you have loved ones that are hurting it is hard and lonely :( secret: I am not sure who I am when I am not painting? That is a bit unbalanced probably but it is how it is. I wish for you good sleep, more beautiful paintings, sketches and ideas and peace in your heart and mind. Your imagery is so beautiful and your words are jewels.

    Comment by valgalart — December 6, 2009 @ 2:42 pm

  4. Thank you for trusting us with your inner being. I understand even more and truth is where we must begin. I am thankful that I know you. When I am awake in the ealry morning hours, trying to get myself back to sleep, I often think I should use the time I am tossing and turning to get to the studio and work. There is a battle between the day me and the evening me. Day me has to go to work and be alert and ready to handle the tasks at hand. Night me wants to be in the studio. Sometimes it does not matter. When a work is calling me, to the studio I go, which may mean an occassional late to work day me. Oh well, I hope this makes sense. Night me is answering the pleadings of day me. So, off to bed I go. Wishing you sweet dreams, happy fingers, and a forever peaceful mind.

    Comment by Lynda — December 6, 2009 @ 11:18 pm

  5. Hi Indigene!!! so sorry to hear you can’t sleep….and you are tired…I hope you get the inspiration you need for more art…and I hope you feel much better soon!!!

    Comment by Diana Evans — December 7, 2009 @ 11:46 am

  6. Wow, thanks for sharing some of your inner thoughts… I can relate on many levels. I never feel more balanced than when I am in a creative flow and I think the more you put yourself into the art the more satisfying the experience and also elevates the art itself.

    I know when we deny ourselves our creativity is when things tend to get all bunched up inside. So keep on making your are, girl!

    Comment by sketched out — December 7, 2009 @ 6:31 pm

  7. i think many artists are in the same boat as you are. I know that I could have easily writtten these words you did:

    When I am not making art…I return to that state of uneasiness and depression.

    Let’s just try and get some work done..even just a little goes a long way! BTW, I know a whole bunch of forty-something women who are not sleeping well…I suspect it is in part due to an age-related hormonal shift!

    Comment by Nancy — December 7, 2009 @ 8:25 pm

  8. i can relate with what you’re saying! i hope this turn out for the better for you soon!

    Comment by Asja — December 9, 2009 @ 12:24 pm

  9. Oh, Indigene. I am so thankful that you have an outlet to help you find calm and balance. The fact that it is a creative outlet where we all can benefit from your beautiful art is a bonus. Your heart is big, and you absorb so much pain from the people you love. Let it all out in your art, dear. Let it all out, the ugly as well as the pretty.

    And congratulations on being the featured artist. That painting is fantastic and uplifting. Many hugs and prayers to you, dear Indigene!

    Comment by Bella Sinclair — December 9, 2009 @ 3:28 pm

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